Downsizing With Dignity
Navigating Transitions for Seniors
Transitioning your elderly loved ones to smaller spaces after a lifetime of gathering precious possessions can be a major challenge for you, your family, and of course, most importantly, for them. Downsizing is never easy, especially if you have to pick and choose from a myriad of belongings, which will fit safely and comfortably in the new space.
When helping your loved ones downsize, you must keep their mental and emotional health in your mind. If you are facilitating this move, make this a priority for every single person involved. The damage that you can cause by disregarding the feelings of your loved one can be irreparable.
Making and Managing The Plan
Downsizing is a project. This means that every step of the process needs to be properly planned out, thought through, and implemented with intent. Each project should include the following stages: Planning, Scheduling, Implementing, Reviewing, and Closing. Let’s take a look at how to manage a project like this from start to finish, using these stages.
Planning: Before you begin, choose your team. Choose people that you get along with, will respect the process, have a healthy dose of patience, and are goal-oriented. Once you are happy with the team you chose, you need to schedule a meeting. No, I don’t mean a conference room and a PowerPoint presentation. What I mean is to gather everyone for a cup of coffee, a slice of pizza, or a glass of wine. Take this time to set some goals for the project. The Major Goal should be kept simple: “To move _____ to their new space safely while maintaining respect and their dignity.” Next, focus on smaller goals. These can include things like “Day One: Tackle the Living Room, Day Two: Kitchen and Bathrooms”, etc. This is also the stage where you will determine your plan of action if things turn sour. How will you and your team manage things if your loved one becomes frustrated or has trouble staying on task? Who will be the mediator between your loved one and the team members, ensuring their wishes are respected? Be as detailed as you can so that you can be prepared to handle anything that might come your way. More on that in a bit.
Scheduling: When scheduling the beginning of the project, make sure that everyone is free to be there. Determine how long you’ll work each day. Will there be anyone who can step in if someone on your team can’t make it, or needs to leave early or start late? Consistency is key at this point. When you start the project, everyone needs to be there, every day. This puts you at ease that the workload will be lighter with more hands, and your loved one will be comforted in knowing that the team who started the project will be the team who finishes. This way, no one will be needing a “debriefing” regularly. Remember, consistency means comfort when big changes are taking place.
Implementing and Reviewing: This is where you and the team take these plans and put them into action. Be sure everyone is sticking to the terms agreed upon. If adjustments need to be made in the process, involve the entire team in the changes. Ask for input, ask for alternatives, and keep the end goal the same.
Closing: Stick with your loved one to the very end. Do not let the project close until your loved one is safely settled in their new space. Check-in on them regularly to ensure that there will be no more accumulation of possessions and their mental and physical health is being regarded. In the Project Management Industry, this is called Customer Relationship Management, or CRM. At the end of the project, you shouldn’t pack up and take off into the sunset. Your customer, or loved one in this situation, should expect to hear from you well after the project is finished regularly. Designate one or two people to handle this portion of the project. Make a calendar and schedule check-in calls, texts, emails, or visits. Send cards to their new address thanking them for trusting you and your team with such an important project. Let them feel like they have done something to enrich your life by allowing you and the team to be a part of theirs. Start checking bi-weekly at first, then weekly, alternating who reaches out, and then maybe a couple of times a month. Let them know how much they mean to you, send flowers, candy, baked goods if allowed, or any small item that will not add to their accumulation. Things that have a shelf-life, or life-cycle, or can be consumed fairly quickly are best to keep clutter at a minimum.
Another CRM idea might be the need to monitor their accumulation. Set aside one day a month to help them go through their clutter, if they have any. Ask permission to help them sort out clothing and or go through their panty and refrigerator with them to make sure everything is safe to consume and fits them properly. Help them decorate for holidays and offer to help them take decorations down and store them. For Birthdays, Christmas, or any other event that involves gift-giving, make sure that the gifts have a function. No one needs more stuff. Be creative with gift-giving especially when space is limited. Make sure to share these insights with anyone who might send a gift as well.
A Few Tips
There are a few things you need to keep in mind when you begin and implement your plan:
Start by sorting, not tossing.
Categorize their belongings. You can use the 4 T’s Method. (Toys, Tools, Trash, Treasures) When you sort things out, making decisions about a large chunk of belongings can be much easier and help the process run smoother.
Take your time, and encourage them to do the same.
Many times this move to a smaller, more manageable space might seem like the perfect idea to you, but to your loved one, it can mean taking one step closer to losing freedom and independence. Often this brings on an initial feeling of resentment which leads to anger, which in turn can lead to people not thinking things through. Work at an urgent pace, but constantly check in and take breaks if they need them.
NEVER enter someone’s space and begin making decisions for them.
You may think you know best, and you may very well be right! But, honor every possession as if it’s made of gold and nothing less. Even if it is trash, if your loved one is showing heightened emotions, carefully show them the object and ask them if they agree that this item should be let go. If they are ready, act immediately. If they are not ready, set it aside. Do not argue.
Make sure they stay involved through every step.
The process of eliminating excess can sometimes prove to be too much for someone to handle. If this process becomes overwhelming, or they feel defeated by it, this can cause them to shut down, walk away, be alone, and distance themselves from the project. It is always important to try your best to not allow things to get to this stage, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. If this happens, don’t panic! Do not get angry. Stay calm, and be a soothing voice of reason. If your emotional state doesn’t allow you to do this, invite someone else to have a stern but meaningful conversation. If your loved one is refusing to speak or be involved, calmly tell them that it is completely natural to feel this way. They have every right to be upset. This can be a tough step to get past, but if you go slow and remain respectful, you can often avoid this negative outcome altogether.
Be creative!
There are interesting ways to showcase precious belongings. Get creative with the items they hold dear. Display them in their space in a way that honors the heirloom, and keeps it safe. For example, my grandfather left my parents 2 sheds full of tools that he had meticulously engraved his name into. My parents feel these things are too special to toss away. I suggested they go through the tools, choose the ones they love the most, frame them in a shadow box, and hang them on the wall. What doesn’t fit, donate to a charity such as Habitat for Humanity so that they can be used for something good.
Learn to Lean
There are so many factors that play into downsizing and moving to smaller spaces. Many people choose to downsize and have no problem looking subjectively at their possessions and making sound choices on what they need, want to keep, and how to deal with the rest. This mindset is not unheard of for elderly downsizers, but it most certainly is fewer and farther between.
For many Golden Members of our society, downsizing seems like a step out the door rather than a new and exciting opportunity. For some, it means they no longer have to carry the burden of “stuff” with them and they feel free. For others, it could mean feeling that the things they were proud to own in their journey through life are set aside and forgotten.
Because this process can be so foreign, unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and for some, unfair, the compassion you must bring with you to the project can make or break the transition. I know that sounds like a lot to take on, which is why having a supportive and understanding team to rally you through is so important. Surround yourself with people who will not only keep your elder loved one’s ease in their mind but also have enough room for you and your feelings in their heart.
This is only a glimpse of what should be taken into consideration when you’re tasked with helping an elderly loved one prepare for a smaller space. Some professionals who specialize in these transitions are available to help you and your family navigate.
If you have a family member who is in the process or is about to begin the process of downsizing, give us a call or write us and set up a free consultation. Let us be a part of your supportive team. We can help you and your family members make this transition with dignity.
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